5 Cursed Ways You Can Use Egg Nog Before It Expires Tomorrow

Make sure you don’t waste a drop of your precious chicken milk this holiday season!

We’ve all been there before: scrolling through the dairy aisle, you notice that your local grocery store has officially begun selling the glorious yellowish-white beverage of the gods known as egg nog. You immediately grab the 2-litre carton even though you live alone and couldn’t possibly finish the whole thing in the 2-week window before the expiration date arrives. But you’re just so excited, and you ought to treat yourself after the day you’ve had, dealing with Charlotte all day. Ugh, Charlotte.

But now the end is nigh, and you only have 24 hours to use up the half-full carton. You couldn’t possibly live with yourself if you just poured the rest down the drain, but chugging a straight litre of egg nog would probably cause an immediate heart attack. Who knows, you’re not a doctor. Do not fear, for in this life-saving listicle you’ll find 5 simply awful ways to put that creamy holiday deliciousness to good use.

  1. Christmas Cereal

This is the only time of year when substituting milk with egg nog is even slightly justifiable, so take the opportunity to pour out a bowl of your favourite breakfast soup mix, and absolutely drown it in egg nog. Do not tell your friends about it, they’ll only judge you. They don’t understand the dire circumstances you’re working under.

2. Nog Cheese

“Egg nog” in French is “lait de poule”, which directly translates to “chicken milk”. So if it’s milk, that means you could feasibly turn it into cheese. That’s definitely how that works. So just pour some egg nog into a bucket, leave it outside for a few years, and before you know it you’ll have the perfect holiday cheese to share with your loved ones.

3. Punch Nog

Have you ever been to a party where the hosts have been bold enough to mix punch with egg nog? I doubt it! Get in touch with the culinary trailblazer you’ve always wanted to be and give your punch that rich, creamy flavour it’s been missing.

4. Poison Your Enemies

Charlotte’s lactose intolerant, right? So it’d be a real shame if someone were to, say, offer her a cup of coffee with egg nog mixed in instead of whatever unholy nut milk she’d asked for. Who knows if she’d recover from that? I doubt she’d come into work for a while, which means they could totally move you into her nice, big office. What a shame. What kind of person would be so desperate to get rid of their soon-expiring egg nog to let that happen? Definitely not you, you’re just excited about the new office.

5. Convenient Gifts

What do other people do with egg nog before it expires? Find out by exercising your generous holiday spirit and give them your egg nog! They’ll surely be impressed by however you manage to gift wrap a dairy carton, but a magician never reveals their secrets. Just give them a knowing look, and rest assured that your expiring egg nog has found a good, loving new home.

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Connor Thiessen

Connor Thiessen

Aspiring Actor, Musician, Comedian, Writer, Functioning Adult.