New Trail Mix Bar Actually Just A Branch

An in-depth look at the recently unveiled Bold Fiber Stik.

In the world of health food, sometimes flavor must be sacrificed for the sake of nutritional value. And in the case of the new Bold Fiber Stik from trail bar superpower Nature’s Crevice, that sacrifice has been made in blood. The Bold Fiber Stik presents a revolutionarily minimalistic take on the fiber bar format, as each Fiber Stik is actually a small segment of a tree branch packaged in a plastic wrapper; no added ingredients or preservatives.

The concept for the Bold Fiber Stik was first presented by “forest food expert” Clive Stomps, who told our sources “We get so caught up in things like carbs, and sugar content, and any sense of flavor, that we lose sight of the original purpose of the trail mix bar: a meager source of crumbling sustenance for liberal arts university students to miserably shove into their mouths while they walk two miles in hiking boots they’d bought two days before. I wanted to make a trail bar with the smallest amount of appealing ingredients possible, while retaining the stigma that it’s suitable for humans to consume. The result was almost too easy: chop a chunk off of a tree somewhere, put a health food label on it, and give to the next poor, unwitting hipster we could find.” And while Stomps admits that the goal of marketing the Bold Fiber Stik as a healthy, edible food product may have been put to the wayside in favor of a simpler recipe, our sources say he is very proud of what he and Nature’s Crevice have managed to create and release to supermarkets around the globe.

During the later stages of development, Stomps held a taste test for the Bold Fiber Stik, inviting outdoor recreation enthusiasts from the Greater Vancouver Area to give their thoughts on the new product. One bearded kayaking instructor admired that “you really have to give it your best effort” and that “you can still taste the sap”. One professional nature photographer noted “This is just a stick. They’re just selling sticks now. They put a stick in a wrapper, and Whole Foods is gonna eat it up. I mean, they won’t eat it up, because it’s literally solid wood, but they’re going to love it regardless.”

The latter comments were not recorded in the market testing report.

The Bold Fiber Stik is now available at your local health food store, in a variety of flavors, including cedar, oak, and mahogany, with a limited-edition mulch granola bar in the works for next year.

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Aspiring Actor, Musician, Comedian, Writer, Functioning Adult.

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Connor Thiessen

Connor Thiessen

Aspiring Actor, Musician, Comedian, Writer, Functioning Adult.

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